Do you want the truth?
Or, more accurately, the truth as I see it, having practiced divorce and family law for the past 28 years as of the date I write this answer to your question?
If so, here is my view:
While it is not as bad as it was a generation or two ago, there is still deliberate and undeniable sexism at work in many cases when it comes to the treatment of men and women in child custody and parent time disputes.
If and when a parent is discriminated against on the basis of sex, it is the father, never (and I mean never, ever) the mother for simply being a man.
How does this discrimination manifest itself? In the form of illegal presumptions that mothers are simply better parents than fathers. The judges who discriminate know they are doing this, but don’t care, or worse, feel that they are serving a “higher law” that entitles/empowers them to disregard fundamental legal protections against sexual discrimination.
How, you may ask, do judges who discriminate get away with this? Most are too clever to admit to what they are doing, and so they make outcome-based “findings of fact” to support their predetermined decision to award sole or primary custody to the mothers and to award fathers as little custody of or parent time with the children. Some of the examples I’ve personally witnessed: if a mother works full-time but is fortunate enough to work from home and telecommute, she is held up as an example of responsibility and sacrifice. Someone who is admirably balancing the demands of providing financially for the children while at the same time providing personal care and attention for the children at home. A father who works full time from home, however, is someone who has “bitten off more than he can chew,” by naively believing he can successfully divide his attention between the demands of work and the precious needs of the dependent children. “And we all know that men give work priority over child care obligations.”
Another example: mothers who administer corporal punishment are prudent disciplinarians (“The testimony of the child is that it hurt, but did not leave any marks”), fathers who administer corporal punishment are child abusers (“The testimony of the child was that daddy hurt him” or “The children all said daddy is physically intimidating.”[1]).
You see? Many courts (most, in my experience, frankly) apply a double standard to fathers and mothers when it comes to child custody.
So, while I took a bit of time to get around to answering your question, I hope you’ll excuse me because I needed to lay the foundation for my answer first. How do fathers handle child custody issues, both during the pendency of a child custody dispute or after the ink is dry on the decree? Carefully, maddeningly, despairingly. Don’t be surprised if you see the double standard applied in your case. Don’t be surprised if the court severely condemns and/or glibly dismisses your concerns and objections, if and when you raise them.
To be treated fairly in child custody and parent-time disputes, a father needs to make such a strong case that the court would have no way to discriminate against him without it being blatantly, scandalously obvious.
How do you make such a strong case? By praying for divine assistance and by building and presenting the best case you possibly can. How do you do that? By finding the best attorney and supporting team that money can buy. Will that lead to financial hardship from which you may never fully recover? That is highly likely.
If you fight with all you have and to the best of your and your attorney’s ability, are there any guarantees of success? No.
Might it be better to take your lumps in court and then try to rebuild and retain a strong, close, and loving relationship in spite of the court’s and the mother’s treatment of you? It might.
Are there any guarantees that despite your best efforts, Mom and the courts will conspire against you to ensure that you can’t be the best parent you can for your kids? No.
Am I advocating for cheating? Absolutely not. Do I understand the temptation to cheat to level the playing field, the temptation to fight fire with fire, to take a page from the trickster’s playbook, turnabout is fair play? Absolutely I do.
Does cheating work? Yes, and frequently. If it didn’t, few (if any) would cheat.
But there are two main reasons why you must not cheat: 1) it’s morally wrong. 2) (and if morality isn’t enough to convince you) If you get caught, you’ll only compound the discrimination against you.
So why fight with all you have if a discriminatory judge has such an advantage over you, almost regardless of how well you make your case? Because your children (and their futures) are worth it. Because they deserve a father who will fight for them with all he has. Because you don’t want to look them (and yourself) in the eye and say, “I wonder what would have happened if I would have tried as hard as I could.”
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
[1] But did that mean daddy frightens or coerces the family members with this physicality? Or did that mean the children merely acknowledge daddy is bigger and stronger than they and mommy are? A discriminatory court won’t get to the bottom of such questions but will construe the ambiguity in mommy’s favor and to daddy’s disadvantage.
