Although they shouldn’t do it, courts will generally treat mothers and fathers differently simply based upon sex. Sexual discrimination, to put it bluntly. Not all courts do this, but many (most, frankly, in my experience) do.
Examples: a wife/mother who merely accuses (i.e., has no objectively verifiable proof in support of the accusations) a father of physically, sexually, and/or emotionally abusing her and/or the children is taken far more seriously than a husband/father who makes the same allegations against her. Many courts will impose “protective” orders against the father based on nothing other than the fact that the wife’s/mother’s allegations could be true (although they are too clever to state it so blatantly and will dress up the discrimination in terms of “I find the allegations credible” and/or “husband/father’s denials are not credible.”
So how does an innocent husband/father best handle child custody when the mother is falsely influencing the child negatively? Like this (and this works for falsely accused, alienated mothers too):
Immediate Protective Measures
Documentation Strategy
- Objectively and independent verifiable documentation is orders of magnitude better than “my word against yours” in these situations because proof prevents the court from relying on the “I believe” as the basis for its rulings.
- Keep a detailed account (journal and/or audio and video recordings) of all interactions with your child and ex-spouse, noting dates, times, witnesses, and exact quotes.
- Record instances of alienating behavior: child repeating adult language about the case, sudden behavioral changes after visits with the other parent, refusal to communicate that seems coached.
- Make sure that you know how to make the audio and video recordings without violating laws governing such recordings.
- Save all text messages, emails, and voicemails – don’t delete anything.
- Document your consistent efforts to maintain the relationship despite obstacles.
Behavioral Safeguards
- Never speak negatively about the other parent in front of your child, even when (especially when) provoked.
- Maintain consistent visitation schedules and document any interference.
- Focus conversations with your child on them and their circumstances, not the divorce or other parent.
- Engage fully in parenting activities (school events, medical appointments) and document (documentation—there it is again) participation.
Long-Term Strategic Approach
Professional Support Team
- Retain an experienced family law attorney who not only specifically handles high-conflict cases and parental alienation but is not afraid to do the work necessary to handle them successfully
- Beware the Guardian ad Litem (child’s attorney), child psychologist, or custody evaluator
- If a Guardian ad Litem (child’s attorney), child psychologist, or custody evaluator is/are proposed, make sure that everything the they do is objectively documented (none of this, “It’s in my handwritten notes” nonsense).
- If the GAL/psychologist/custody evaluator refuses to provide objective and independent verification of what the children (and other, collateral witnesses) allegedly said, then that is a GAL/psychologist/custody evaluator to avoid. If the court is inclined (as many are) to let the GAL/psychologist/custody evaluator “speak for” the children as opposed to recording what the children actually say, you’d be better off having the court interview the children on and for the record.
Legal Positioning
- Frame issues around “parental interference with the parent-child relationship,” so that the concern is raised and known to the court and to your spouse/co-parent
- Request specific language in custody orders about not disparaging the other parent
- Document your communications with the other parent
- If someone recommends a “parenting app,” (like Our Family Wizard), determine whether such a thing is necessary or just a trendy way to waste money
- Fight allegations of abuse made against you.
- Oppose and expose the “better safe than sorry” or “abundance of caution” arguments for the cowardice and the denial of due process that they are.
- Do not agree to “temporary” orders that deprive you and your children of contact with each other.
Evidence Building
- Identify witnesses who’ve observed the child’s relationship with you before and during the alienation and who can speak intimately of your good character.
- Document the child’s previous positive relationship with you through photos, school records, and activity participation.
- Keep records of any inconsistencies in the child’s statements or dramatic behavioral shifts.
Addressing Court Bias
- Present yourself as the stable, child-focused parent you are through consistent behavior.
- Use clear, courteous language in all court documents, but don’t make the mistake of believing that courts respect and reward doormats.
- Present evidence of both specific, documented behaviors rather and broad characterizations.
- Consider requesting a different judge if local bias patterns are well-established (though this requires mountains of proof and careful strategic consideration).
Counter-Narrative Development
- Demonstrate ongoing commitment to the child’s relationship with both parents.
- Show flexibility and reasonableness in scheduling and decision-making.
- Highlight any efforts you’ve made to facilitate the child’s relationship with the other parent despite alienating behavior.
- Show that you can and will do all you can to ensure that co-parenting can succeed. Many courts will make child custody and parent-time awards based not on what’s best for the children but on what’s easiest to administer and what awards will break the spirit of the parent who was wronged, so that he won’t try to come back to court and keep litigating.
The key is building an irrefutable record that shows you as a fit and loving parent who places the child’s best interests ahead of his own while the other parent is the opposite. This approach addresses both the alienation itself and potential judicial bias by making your case difficult to dismiss regardless of preconceptions.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
