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What can a father do if, after the divorce, the mother, who has custody of the child, turns the child against the father?

What can he do? There are many things he can do, many of which improve nothing and often make matters worse. The better questions are: 1) “What should he do?” and 2) “What can he likely do successfully?”

1) “What should he do?”

• Determine whether, in fact, it is the mother who is turning the child against him. If so:
  • Start immediately to document as fully and extensively as possible the mother’s wrongful actions that are turning the child against him.
  • Do not fight fire with fire.
  • Do not take his frustrations out on the child.
  • Consult a good (a good—meaning a sane, decent, and skilled (in that order)) mental health therapist or counselor about how best to deal with the situation, so that the father does not inadvertently make things worse in his efforts to make things better.
    • All therapists and counselors are not created equal. Buyer beware.
    • Many counselors and therapists suffer from mental health problems themselves to the point that it interferes with their abilities to do their jobs objectively and responsibly.
    • The market is flooded with counselors and therapists of vastly varying quality, and so a good portion of them are desperate for money. Those are the ones who will say and do anything to get father to spend his money on them, and because they have at least some education and training in understanding human nature, they know how to manipulate people.
    • Be very careful in how he gets his mental and emotional health advice and from whom he receives it.
  • Consult a good (a good) family lawyer, so that he knows how to prepare and proceed in a legally permissible and evidentially sound way.
    • The problems he will encounter in finding a good family lawyer are all but identical to those he will encounter in his search for a good mental health therapist or counselor. So he needs to choose carefully. He needs to take his time. He should interview not just 3 or 4 lawyers but 5 to 10 (I know, that’s a lot of work and time, but it’s worth it, trust me—he can’t get a feel for who the mediocre and incompetent lawyers are without surveying a large sample).
  • Don’t try to win a parental popularity contest; just be the good father the child needs—the child will appreciate that even if the child isn’t consciously aware of it at the time. Be the parent the child needs him to be. If he makes it his mission in life to “defeat the parental alienator,” he will get distracted from what he can do best for his child.
  • Ask the mother why she is turning the child against him.
  • Try to work with the mother to resolve any ill will or disputes that are behind her actions, so that they stop.

2) If the mother will not voluntarily stop alienating the child, “What can the father likely do successfully?”

• If he can—legally, lawfully, and morally—solve the problem without litigation, do it. Going to court for solutions to parental alienation problems can be, and often is, more trouble than it is worth.
• But there are plenty of times when the father has no other viable option than trying his luck in court. Before he decided to pursue the matter in court he needs to know first that if the evidence of parental alienation is not ample and strong enough to persuade the court, father needs to accept the fact that he can’t obtain relief in court. Second, he needs know that even if he has a strong case, persuades the court that mother is alienating the child, and obtains court orders intended to help put a stop to the parental alienation, some mothers won’t let any of that stop them.
  • Many parents are understandably stunned to learn the difference between a mere court order and the enforcement or enforceability of court orders.
  • A court order is meaningless if the court won’t enforce those orders when a parent disobeys them. And many court orders in divorce and child custody proceedings go unenforced. For four main reasons:
    • 1) the courts and jails are overwhelmed, so if they have to choose between putting a burglar or a parental alienator in jail, the burglar gets the bunk;
    • 2) courts are reluctant to impose harsh penalties on parents (particularly mothers), and so if a noncompliant parent calls a court’s bluff, the court will often blink;
    • 3) imposing fines and awarding attorney’s fees are often pointless because if the parent does not pay them, few courts are willing to jail a parent for failing or refusing to do so; and
    • 4) extreme measures such as modifying the child custody and parent-time awards to shield the child from the alienating parent are hard to justify when courts (justifiably) worry whether that will only harm the child more.
• If the father takes the matter to court, he and his attorney need:
  • to be convinced that they have or can make not simply a good, solid case for proving parental alienation but an overwhelmingly solid case and
  • to have a proposal for relief that a court can believe in and get behind. One that a court is persuaded to believe will work, meaning that it will not make matters worse for the child than they already are.
  • What does such a winning case consist of? Objectively verifiable proof that:
    • the mother’s actions serve no legitimate purpose;
    • clearly will cause, if they are not already causing, the child harm, whether that be physical, psychological, or emotional harm.
    • Truly competent and impartial expert witnesses whose findings, analysis, and opinions hold up under scrutiny (if the father’s attorney claims to have a “hired gun” who he/she can get to say anything you need him/her to say to win, that would not only be unethical and illegal but risky as well)
    • Briefly, what am I suggesting? This is a summary, and not an exhaustive list, but it should give a father a good idea of what he needs to show:

1. Direct Evidence of Alienating Behavior

• • Explicit Actions and Communications: Text messages, emails, or recordings where one parent actively denigrates the other in front of or to the child.
  • Witness Testimony: Statements from teachers, counselors, court-appointed guardian or custody evaluator, or other neutral third parties confirming the alienating parent’s negative influence on the child.
  • Expert Testimony: Psychological evaluations showing signs of undue influence or indoctrination by one parent.

2. Child’s Behavioral and Emotional Responses

• • Sudden and Extreme Rejection: If the child once had a healthy relationship with one parent but now refuses contact without a valid reason, this may indicate manipulation.
  • Use of Adult-Like Language: When a child speaks about custody issues using sophisticated legal language, it suggests coaching.
  • Lack of Ambivalence: If the child sees one parent as entirely “good” and the other as entirely “bad,” it suggests possible programming.

3. Interference with Parenting Time and Communication

• • Consistent Violations of Court Orders: Repeated refusal to follow visitation schedules.
  • Blocking Communication: Evidence that one parent intercepts calls, messages, or prevents the child from speaking to the other parent.

4. False Allegations Against the Other Parent

• • If a parent has made multiple, unsubstantiated allegations (e.g., abuse, neglect) that are later disproven, it suggests an attempt to alienate the child from the other parent.

5. Parent’s Actions and Motives

• • Encouraging the Child’s Autonomy Selectively: A parent who says, “I let the child decide whether to see their father/mother,” when the court has ordered visitation, may be subtly alienating.
  • Reinforcing Fear or Negative Perceptions: If the alienating parent exaggerates minor incidents or portrays the other parent as dangerous without cause.

6. Child’s Preference – Analyzed Objectively

• • While a child’s preference is relevant, I would carefully consider whether that preference is freely formed or the result of coercion.

7. Efforts at Reunification and Parental Cooperation

• • If one parent is making documented efforts (e.g., therapy, family counseling) to rebuild the relationship while the other parent obstructs those efforts, it can indicate alienation.

Proving and remedying parental alienation is not easy, inexpensive or something you can have get through court quickly. Be prepared. Forewarned is forearmed.

Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277