People rarely ask plainly the tough questions they actually need answered. In divorce and custody cases, clients often ask surface questions (“How much will this cost?” “Can I get full custody?”) when what they’re really asking is deeper: “Am I safe?” “Will I be OK?” “How bad will this get?” A good lawyer knows not to stop at the question, but to find the real concern underneath it because that’s what matters most.
Why answering too directly can make things worse
It’s tempting to answer the surface question the moment you know the answer to it. But in family law, the surface answer is often not the most helpful one.
When a client asks his or her lawyer question, the lawyer’s goal should not be just providing an answer—even if a complete true and valid answer comes to mind. Unless the lawyer first understands why the question was asked, his answer will not address the client’s deepest concerns. Because in divorce, the question spoken or written is rarely the client’s real question.
I could rattle off the law, the timeline, or the fee structure. But unless I first ask, “Tell me what’s going on,” I might miss what the client truly wants and needs to know. And when that happens, both attorney and client suffer: the lawyer wastes time giving information the client can’t use, and the client walks away still anxious, still confused, still unprepared for what’s ahead, and the lawyer gets frustrated that the client claims to be unhappy, worried, and/or confused.
Answering a question without further discussion of its origins prevents the more important questions from arising, with the result being that attorney and client never learn all that each of you really need to know.
The most common example: “How much does it cost?”
When someone calls my office and the first thing they ask is, “How much does a divorce cost?”, they may honestly believe they’re asking a simple question. But they aren’t. What they’re really asking is something closer to:
· “How long is this going to take?”
· “Am I walking into a financial ambush?”
· “Will I lose everything I’ve worked for?”
· “Can I afford to protect myself?”
· “How do I know if I can trust you?”
· “Can I get a fair shake in the legal system?”
· “What kind of life am I looking at when this is over?”
Answering the surface with a number (“It depends, but usually between X and Y”) technically answers the question, and it’s useful information. But it doesn’t fully do what is needed. It ends the conversation before it can work its way the heart of the matter. So, instead, I might say: “That’s a fair question. But before I give you a number, tell me a little about what’s happening; how complex things are, what’s at stake, and what you’re most worried about.” That changes the conversation, and for the better for attorney and potential client alike.
Now we’re talking about your situation, not a hypothetical price tag or timeline. And we’re already doing something more useful than quoting figures: we’re starting to identify and solve actual problem.
The same goes for custody, alimony, and everything else
Another common surface question is, “Can I get joint/equal/full custody?” Sometimes that question is really about safety (a parent worried about neglect, abuse, or substance use).
Sometimes it’s about control (wanting to minimize conflict or prevent a co-parent from undermining routines).
Sometimes it’s about fear (having been told by friends or family, “You’re getting divorced? Now you’ll lose your kids.”) I can give a solid, legally accurate answer: “It depends on the best-interest factors and the evidence you have.” But I would be remiss if I stopped there, and you’d be remiss if you let me.
A better conversation would start with (or continue with), “What’s going on that makes you feel you need joint/equal/full custody?” From there, you can separate emotion from fact, truth from fiction, urgency from panic, and help the client see what’s actually possible under Utah law.
Why this matters (and why most people miss it)
Most people in divorce or custody disputes are stressed, scared, and swimming in bad information. They don’t know what they don’t know.
So they ask the questions that sound right—the questions they’ve heard others ask, or that seem like they’ll give them control over the situation. Those are better than nothing, but those surface-level questions often get in the way of real progress. They avoid the hard questions you may feel too afraid to ask (because you’re afraid of the answers).
If you ask, “How long will this take?” you might be asking about court timelines, or about whether your life will ever feel normal again. If you ask, “Should I settle?” you might really be asking whether it’s safe to stop fighting. If you ask, “Can I win?” you might be asking whether it’s worth keeping your dignity.
When the lawyer digs deeper, the client learns more, really calms down (finally), and starts to think resourcefully instead of emotionally and reactively. That’s how the best legal representation gets started.
The “aggressively reasonable” truth
An attorney who used to work for me described me as “aggressively reasonable.” I agree, and I could not describe myself better. I don’t give canned or off the cuff answers. Neither does my staff. We ask the hard and the unexpected important questions without concern for whether they offend you. And we do that because that’s how both you and I figure out what really matters to you and to your case.
If you’re thinking about divorce or already in the middle of one, I don’t expect you to know exactly what to ask. You don’t have to walk in with perfect questions. You do need to be honest about what’s worrying you.
If you’ve been through enough to conclude that you need a divorce lawyer, you deserve straight answers, yes, but you also deserve the right answers, and to get there, we need to start with the right questions—all of them—and be willing to receive the answers with an open and analytical mind—every time.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277