Do you wonder whether your divorce lawyer is ignoring what really matters in your divorce or custody case? With this post you will learn why your concerns may be legally irrelevant, how to know if your lawyer’s right, and what to do when you disagree with honest, tough-love insight from a seasoned Utah divorce attorney.
You are Not Crazy—But You May Be Wrong (Legally Speaking)
A client sits in my office and says of his or her spouse or co-parent, “She’s dating a new guy and letting him sleep over when the kids are there.” Another says, “He cheated on me, and now I’m supposed to just split custody like that never happened?”
It is not unusual for clients to feel dismissed when their attorney says, “That doesn’t matter,” or “That’s not going to help your case,” or “That’s not the most compelling argument, frankly.” It can feel infuriating, like your lawyer and/or the legal system does not care. That may be true, but it may instead mean something else.
Why Your Lawyer Might Say It Does not Matter
Utah divorce and child custody cases address legally relevant issues, not your emotional pain, betrayal, or moral outrage. That sounds cold, but it is the truth.
“Legally relevant issues” are facts, questions, or disputes that are material to the resolution of a legal case, meaning they have a direct bearing on how a court applies the law to the case’s relevant facts. These issues affect the rights, obligations, or legal outcomes for the parties involved.
Take child custody, for example. Utah law, specifically Utah Code § 81-9-204, requires courts to decide custody based on “the best interests of the child.” That means evaluating factors such as parenting skills, stability, and the ability to cooperate. Who committed adultery or who started dating first after separation is rarely, if ever, relevant. Do you see why? While clients care deeply about such things (as well they should), that has no impact on the court’s statutory analysis.
The same goes for property division and alimony. Utah is a “no-fault” divorce state. While bad behavior like wasting marital assets or domestic violence can matter, general “he was a jerk” or “she broke my heart” testimony usually does not move the needle.
Examples of Things That Feel Important (But Usually Are not):
- “He/she had an affair.”
- “She/he lied to her friends about me.”
- “He/she is living with someone already.”
- “She/he calls me names in text messages.”
Unless you can tie that behavior to a legal principle—like parental alienation, financial harm, or the best interest of the child(ren)—these sorts of facts probably will not help you.
How to Know If Your Lawyer Is Right
Your lawyers can be wrong. Sometimes even the best lawyers misunderstand or misconstrue a situation. Some lawyers are just lazy, overwhelmed, or poor communicators. Here is how to separate the two.
First, ask your lawyer: “How could this [fact or set of facts] affect the findings the court is required to make?” If your lawyer cannot tie it to a statute, court rule, or case law, he/she may be brushing you off too quickly.
Ask your lawyer to cite the law to you. For example:
- If your lawyer tells you, “that’s the law” or “that’s what the law provides,” then ask your lawyer to send you a link to the statute(s) and/or rule(s) that apply.
- “The Rule 109 Domestic Relations Injunction does not prohibit your spouse from doing that,” then ask your attorney to send you a link to Utah Rules of Civil Procedure, Rule 109.
If your lawyer says something “doesn’t matter,” and he/she cannot or will not explain why, that’s a sign of a lazy attorney at best and/or a dishonest or incompetent attorney at worst. A good lawyer does not just make conclusory statements. He or she provides explanations and reasoning.
And yes, it is perfectly acceptable to seek a second opinion. That does not make “disloyal” to your attorney. If you wonder whether things are as cut and dried as your lawyer is claiming, if you are curious as to whether there are options available to you that your lawyer hasn’t mentioned or is claiming don’t exist, if you fear that your attorney is ignoring an important aspect of your case, talk to another qualified family law attorney and get a second opinion.
A Litmus Test for Legal Relevance
Not sure whether something will matter to the judge? Ask yourself:
- Does this affect my child’s safety or emotional well-being?
- Does it affect my or my spouse’s ability to meet the child’s needs?
- Is there solid proof (verifiable, objective) to back this up?
- Is this a pattern of behavior, not just a one-time incident?
- Would a neutral person—someone with no emotional stake—see this as serious?
If you answer “no” to most of these, chances are the court will not find your personal concerns relevant to the legal analysis.
What If I Still Disagree With My Lawyer?
If your attorney has cited the law and the rules to you, explained his/her perspectives and reasoning, and if you have obtained a second opinion and are still convinced you’re right and everyone else is wrong, the problem likely lies with you.
Conclusion
You’re not wrong to care deeply about what you’re going through. Feeling angry, betrayed, or heartbroken is completely human. And you’re not crazy for being upset when your lawyer tells you something you think is important just isn’t—at least not in the eyes of the law.
The reality is that Utah family court is not designed to validate or vindicate emotional pain. It’s designed to apply the law to legally relevant facts. That doesn’t mean your concerns are meaningless, it just means they likely won’t change the legal outcome. A good lawyer will help you understand the difference. Once you’ve asked the right questions, gotten clear explanations, and perhaps even sought a second opinion, accept what the law does and doesn’t consider relevant. That way, you don’t waste energy fighting the wrong battles and you can focus instead on what will actually help you build a successful case.