Both can be true. No rational, caring person marries with divorce as the goal, so divorce is—definitionally—a failed marriage. But that clearly does not make every divorce a personal failure.
Some divorces are morally justified, even necessary. Leaving a violent or genuinely toxic spouse is an act of self-preservation, not defeat. In those cases, such a divorce would not be a personal “failure”.
Other divorces, however, are moral failures. Ending a marriage simply because someone wants a new romantic partner is not “growth” or self-respect; it’s the opposite. Likewise, if your spouse divorces you because you are chronically drunk, high, unfaithful, or otherwise destructive, the divorce is not his or her failure, it is yours.
So can divorce be an act of growth and self-respect? Yes, under particular circumstances. Recognizing real abuse and refusing to suffer or normalize it, and choosing to protect yourself (and your children), and then divorcing to remedy those problems is plainly justified. But staying in a dysfunctional marriage you didn’t create or exacerbate is not noble or wise. Fear, shame, and social pressure are not good reasons to remain in an environment that steadily erodes you.
But the opposite mistake is just as harmful: ending a marriage simply because it’s difficult. That is not growth; it’s impatience and selfishness in search of justification.
If you are unhappy in your marriage, should you divorce?
Not by default. Not without doing everything within your virtuous and realistic power to repair the marriage. You owe yourself—and your children, if you have them—an honest effort before ending a marriage and breaking up a family. You don’t want to look back years later and realize it was the product of pride, impulsiveness, or avoidance rather than necessity.
Divorce itself is neither a mark of shame nor a badge of honor. It’s a tool. When used responsibly, it can stop real harm and open the door to a better future. When used irresponsibly, it leaves a trail of avoidable damage and regret. The challenge is knowing the difference and having the integrity to act accordingly.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277