After a divorce that involved minor children of the parties, many of those party parents wonder why their kids become or seem to become distant or resentful. In Utah, children’s post-divorce behavior often reflects parental actions, communication, and co-parenting dynamics. Learn what may be causing this disconnect and what you can do to rebuild your relationship.
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One of the most painful realities a divorcing/divorced parent can face is realizing that his/her children no longer seem to like him or her. Or worse, the children actively avoid spending time together with their parent. This is surprisingly common. But sometimes it’s not just the divorce itself causing the trouble; sometimes it’s the parent’s own behavior that is pushing the kids away.
Children react to divorce in different ways. Some become withdrawn or anxious. Others act out or seem angry. Often, children feel torn between parents, struggling with loyalty conflicts that leave them unsure of who to trust, how to express themselves, or whether it’s worth the risk.
Certain post-divorce reactions are normal and can be expected. Children may be upset about moving homes, experiencing changes in routines, and missing a parent now that the parents don’t live together with them. The way a parent communicates, behaves, and manages conflict can make a significant difference in helping children feel secure, loved, and willing to maintain a strong, affectionate connection with a parent.
Courts are charged with making rulings that subserve the best interest of the child (See Utah Code § 81‑9‑204). Courts thus consider the actions of each parent when determining custody and parent-time schedules. If a parent is found to be intentionally or negligently undermining the other parent, it can influence a judge’s decision regarding parental responsibilities. Appellate court cases consistently affirm that the child’s emotional well-being and the maintenance of healthy relationships with both parents are paramount. In short, the courts expect parents to act in ways that support, rather than sabotage, a child’s bond with both parents.
So, what can a parent do if he/she recognizes that the children are distancing themselves? The first step is honest self-reflection. Acknowledge patterns that may be harming the relationship, even unintentionally. Consistency is key. Keeping commitments, following through on promises, and being emotionally available builds trust over time. Avoiding disparagement of the other parent—no matter how frustrated you may feel—is critical. Children need to feel safe loving both parents without fear of judgment or guilt.
Communication needs to be age-appropriate, and empathetic, cognizant of the child’s feelings (no matter how irrational they may be in the moment), and focused on the child’s needs rather than the parent’s grievances.
Starting out by listening without correcting, justifying, or lecturing helps children feel heard. In some cases (but not as often as many will tell you), professional support from therapists or counselors can be (can be—not “always is”) helpful, in some cases even necessary, to guide both parent and child through the emotional turbulence. Even with effort, rebuilding a strained relationship can take months or years, but incremental improvements are possible, meaningful, and worthwhile.
Don’t expect the court to fix this problem for you. Family courts are not relationship-repair shops; they do not have the tools or the bandwidth to coax your child into liking you again. If you march into court complaining that your child won’t talk to you or doesn’t want to come to parent-time, if you blame the other parent (correctly or not), the most you’re likely to get is a stern lecture and an order sending you and the child to therapy. That’s not a “solution”—it’s the court washing its hands of the emotional mess and handing it back to you (wrapped in a treatment plan). Better to do what you can yourself.
Understand the problem and its cause(s) before you take any corrective measures
If your children seem to dislike you after the divorce, it is rarely purely about them. Their feelings are often a mirror reflecting the environment, behaviors, and patterns that have developed since separation. Recognizing one’s own role is not a sign of failure; it is a necessary step toward repair. Utah courts encourage parents to act in ways that support the child’s relationships with both parents. In practice, that means honesty, consistency, and a focus on the child’s emotional needs above all else. By doing the hard work to adjust behavior, parents can slowly rebuild the bond that divorce strained—and maybe even emerge with a closer, more resilient relationship than before.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277