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This is one of the most important questions you need to ask and to answer if you are contemplating divorce or find yourself on the receiving end of a complaint or petition for divorce because you need to know:

1. that you will, in fact, need to protect yourself (don’t count on the court to notice your innocence or victimhood, to care about it, or to take affirmative steps of its own to protect you);
2. the limits of what you can and cannot do to protect yourself;
   1. One thing you need to understand is that sometimes (and in most divorce cases) there are some things you cannot protect yourself from suffering in your divorce case, no matter how well and how hard you may try.
   2. Some things are all but impossible to prevent or overcome. Focus on what you can do successfully. Don’t drain your resources and your willpower over problems you can’t prevent or solve.

and

1. how best to prepare to protect yourself (know your resources, pick your battles).

What are the threats you should be watching for?:

• False allegations of abuse. Spouse abuse, child abuse, substance abuse, financial abuse (irresponsibility, failure to provide support for family members)
  • Physical abuse (violence, sexual abuse). False spouse and child abuse allegations are so common because courts often (more often than you would believe) rarely have the courage to do nothing when the evidence in support of the allegations is shaky. Why? I submit that the reason for this is because they don’t want to risk getting it wrong; they don’t want to deny a poorly supported request for protection, only to have the applicant get hurt or killed subsequently, and then be blamed for “failing” to protect, even though sufficient evidence of harm or danger just wasn’t there. Better to punish an innocent person (99% of the time that’s the man/husband/father) and enter a court order (and thus the court can say, “Don’t blame me if anything goes sour after this—after all, I issued the protective order.”) than to admit “the evidence just isn’t sufficient”.
  • Financial abuse. These can take the form of bald claims that “He/she makes or could make far more money than he/she says he/she earns,” which can result in the court entering orders of spousal support, child support, or debt payment that are crushingly and unfairly burdensome. They can also take the form of “Don’t let him/her spend “too much time with” our children; he/she won’t buy groceries or shoes!”
• Hidden cash or other assets. You may have a spouse who has always hidden money from you throughout the marriage. Or you may have a spouse who has been plotting divorce for years and for that reason has hidden away money so that you don’t get your fair share of the marital assets. It’s pretty easy to hide money or other assets well, and if your spouse does, it’s hard to discover them and expose your spouse’s machinations.
  • Corollary: a spouse who falsely claims that “the debt I incurred was for the benefit of my spouse and/or our family, so now my spouse needs to bear some of that burden.”
• False claims of being disabled and unable to pay spousal and/or child support.
  • This comes in several forms. One form:
    • a spouse (usually the woman) claiming (falsely*), “We agreed when we married that I would be a stay-at-home spouse/parent during our marriage and that my spouse would be the breadwinner, so gimme, gimme, gimme alimony and child support, and lots of it.” false representations of employment, employability, and/or earning capacity
    • a spouse falsely claiming that he/she cannot, due to disability or a lack of work experience or education/training, learn what he/she is reasonably capable of earning, thus supporting the argument that either “I can’t pay that much support” or “I need this much support from my ex”.
• Uncooperative opposing party and/or attorney. Some attorneys are amazingly talented at making the divorce action miserable. Attorneys who are filing the false claims against you, engaging in burdensome, pointless, excessive abusive discovery. Or you may encounter an attorney who’s a master of the stall tactic.
• Antagonistic court. Some commissioners and judges have biases they either can’t or won’t set aside when weighing the evidence and deciding a case.
• Unfair laws and rules. This can take two forms:
  • laws and rules that were poorly conceived, that violate the Constitution or other fundamental principles of justice and equity, or that have unintended adverse consequences.
  • laws and rules unfairly applied by a biased and/or incompetent commissioner or judge.

How do you protect yourself? Concisely stated:

• (and I know you don’t want to read this one, but it’s true) Get a good (a good, not just any, but a skilled, experienced, honest [they do exist—hard to find, but they do exist], diligent, wise) attorney. This is the best thing you can do to protect yourself above all else in a divorce case (whether you are preparing for divorce or find yourself suddenly “hit” with a summons and complaint for divorce you never expected).
• Gain at least a working understanding of how the divorce process functions and what laws and rules govern it. This will prevent you from wasting time, money, and effort on pursuing losing arguments. It will help you better foresee what you can and should do to ensure you are not exploited or taken advantage of in settlement negotiations and/or in hearings or at trial.
• Know you’ll need moral support and seek it out. Don’t be afraid to lean on your family and friends in your hour(s) of need. Divorce can bring even the strongest people to their knees sometimes (and yes, that means you too, more than likely). It’s not a sign of weakness when divorce becomes overwhelming. The legal system’s treatment of divorce is not what you think it is. This shock can stagger you. Be warned and be ready to ask for and accept help as you need it. Some people believe everyone needs therapy to deal with divorce. I disagree. You may need it. You may not need it but can benefit from some. Or you may be good with simply having a friend or pastor to whom you can pour out your fears and frustrations. Don’t overreact or underreact to the pain and suffering divorce causes you. Do what’s right for you, not what may have worked for someone else.
  • Turn to God for help. He’s not going to reject you when you are at the end of your rope. He’ll comfort you, encourage you, and strengthen you to repent if and where necessary, and build you up as you put your faith in Him and let him do the work you need done for and to yourself.

*I acknowledge that such a claim is not always false; some couples do make such an agreement. So if you are such a spouse, be prepared for your spouse to deny any such agreement existed.

Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277