The goal of a successful 50-50 (equal) physical custody arrangement is that it work as seamlessly as possible for the children, both emotionally and logistically. Simply put, you know it’s successful if the children prefer a 50-50 (equal) physical custody arrangement to any other. Successfully implementing a 50-50 schedule requires sincere cooperation and flexibility between the parents and between the parents and children. What specific steps can the family take toward those goals? Here are some of the most crucial:
Create Stability Across Both Homes
- Maintain a united front on rules, values, and expectations. If that means compromising on what those rules, values, and expectations are, make reasonable (reasonable) compromises with your co-parent. Telling the children, “That may be what the rules are at Mom’s/Dad’s house, but when you with me and in my house you’ll follow my rules!” is 50-50 custody poison.
- Establish and stick to similar routines for key parts of the day: bedtime, meals, homework, and screen time.
- Set consistent house rules where appropriate, so expectations are not confusing or manipulative.
You may be tempted to believe that by being more or less strict than the other parent you will “win” the popularity and loyalty contest—and you might—but you won’t be doing your children any favors if you go that route. Children quickly learn to play one parent against the other in these situations. They chafe against the inconsistency. 50-50 custody becomes more trouble than it’s worth to them.
- Keep basic necessities (toiletries, clothes, school supplies) stocked in both homes to reduce the feeling of constant transition.
- Allow children to have personal items that stay in each home, so both feel like home—not just one “real” home and one “temporary” place.
Help Children Process Transitions Gracefully
- Develop age-appropriate soothing transition rituals: a welcome snack, a favorite show, or unpacking together can ease the emotional shift.
- Acknowledge that transitions can be hard—avoid rushing the child to “move on” emotionally the moment they enter your home.
- Give advanced notice for schedule changes, so the child feels respected and secure.
- Be patient with post-transition moods. Children may need time to recalibrate emotionally after each move.
Support the Child’s Relationship with the Other Parent
- Speak positively, or (if you can’t bring yourself to say anything positive) at least neutrally, about the other parent in front of the child when you reasonably can—your children love both of you and it’s hard for them to see and hear one parent disparaging the other. They have the right to love both of their parents. Disrespecting that right places your own relationship with your children in jeopardy.
- Do not use the child as a messenger between parents, as a spy, or as an emotional sounding board. This protects young children from being placed in adult conflicts that can cause needless confusion, anxiety, and emotional distress. Using a child in these roles burdens them with responsibilities that is unfair to ask of them. It harms their relationship with both parents.
- Encourage free communication with the other parent during the children’s time with you—calls, messages, or sharing updates should be welcomed, not resented. Remember: sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
- Consider displaying a photo of the other parent in your home to visually normalize the presence and importance of both parents in the child’s life.
- Allow and even encourage the child to talk about their time with the other parent, listening with openness, not jealousy.
Model Cooperation, Not Competition
- Don’t try to “win” your child’s love by being the “fun parent.”
- Avoid passive-aggressive comparisons between households. Instead, show that the children’s love isn’t a contest between their parents—and that security and stability come from mutual respect and cooperation.
Prioritize Emotional Connection Over “Stuff”
- Be present and attentive during your parenting time—minimize your phone use and distractions.
- Establish household customs and traditions unique to your home: special meals, bedtime stories, Sunday walks/hikes, etc.
- Focus on quality of all interactions, not quantity of entertainment. Overcompensating with toys, trips, or treats can confuse emotional connection with performance or materialism. Jerry Seinfeld put it well:
I don’t need any special days. I mean they’re all special. We spend a lot of time together and I enjoy every second of it. Again, I’m a believer in the ordinary and the mundane. These guys that talk about “quality time”—I always find that a little sad when they say, “We have quality time.” I don’t want quality time. I want the garbage time. That’s what I like. You just see them in their room reading a comic book and you get to kind of watch that for a minute, or [having] a bowl of Cheerios at 11 o’clock at night when they’re not even supposed to be up. The garbage, that’s what I love.
Listen and Validate the Child’s Emotions
- Provide a safe space for the child to express joy, sadness, anger, or guilt—without correcting or redirecting too quickly.
- Avoid brushing off a child’s expressed feelings with phrases like “you’ll see Mom/Dad soon” or “you should be happy you have two homes.” You don’t need to get defensive when children express sadness or frustration about missing or being separated from the other parent.
- Help them identify and process their feelings. Reflect back understanding: “It sounds like you miss Mom/Dad. That’s okay.”
- Reassure your child—in word and deed—regularly that both parents love them deeply, and that their well-being is important to you.
By fostering in their children a sense of continuity and a knowledge that the parents aren’t fighting over the affections or custody of their children, divorced parents can implement a successful 50-50 custody arrangement that is best for the whole family, an arrangement that helps ensure children grow up emotionally, mentally, physically healthy and socially well-adjusted.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
