In Utah divorces, casting your spouse as the villain without proof can wreck your credibility and your custody case. Self-reflection and evidence—not drama—win the day.
Divorce brings out strong emotions. It’s common for one spouse to see the other as the villain; the selfish, dishonest, or cruel one who “ruined everything.” But here’s the uncomfortable truth: courts, friends, and even your own family and friends usually don’t see things in those black-and-white terms. If no one else seems to agree that your spouse is the bad guy, it might be time to consider another possibility; that your own perspective, behavior, or story might be the problem. This isn’t about blame. It’s about realism, credibility, and the way Utah courts (and other people) actually see your case.
Understanding the “Villain Narrative”
It’s human nature to cast ourselves as the hero and the other person as the villain. Divorce amplifies that instinct. You’ve been hurt, frustrated, or betrayed, so you frame your story around what the other person did wrong. The problem is that this narrative can take on a life of its own. Once you see your ex as the enemy, every action they take seems sinister, and every mistake of your own seems justified.
That mindset warps your perception, poisons communication, and makes cooperation nearly impossible. It also shows up in litigation—turning settlement talks into battles, mediation into theater, and custody disputes into crusades. The “villain narrative” may feel emotionally satisfying, but it’s legally and strategically self-defeating.
Legal Perspective in Utah
Utah family courts don’t care who the “villain” is. They care about what’s in the best interests of the children and whether each parent is credible and capable of co-parenting. Under Utah Code §30-3-10, judges weigh factors like the parents’ ability to put the child’s needs first, their willingness to support the child’s relationship with the other parent, and their overall stability.
Custody decisions turn on reliable evidence, not on competing accusations. When one parent paints the other as toxic or unfit without clear, verifiable proof, it can backfire. Judges and custody evaluators look for cooperation, perspective, and accountability.
If your filings, declarations, or testimony sound like a campaign speech instead of an honest assessment, your credibility takes a hit. Whether it’s a motion for a custody evaluator, a GAL appointment, or mediation, you’ll be better served by showing maturity and objectivity than outrage. Utah judges reward parents who demonstrate reason, not self-righteousness.
Utah courts do not reward self‑serving narratives. In custody disputes, judges must prioritize the best interests of the child, focusing on stability, safety, and the ability of each parent to meet the child’s needs. See Utah Code § 81‑9‑204. That statute sets out factors a court must consider when determining custody and parent‑time between parents. There is also a statutory presumption in favor of joint legal custody under Utah Code § 81‑9‑205, unless rebutted by evidence such as domestic violence, physical or sexual abuse, or geographic impracticality. Presenting oneself as the perpetual victim or labeling the other parent a villain without evidence can undermine your credibility with the court.
Self-Reflection and Practical Advice
Before assuming your spouse is the only problem (or even one of the problems), take a good look in the mirror under harshly bright light. How are you contributing to the conflict? Are your expectations realistic? Do you listen as much as you argue? You can’t control your ex, but you can control your own behavior, and that’s what the court sees.
Seek honest feedback from a trusted counselor or other neutral professional. Keep a journal of your interactions to spot recurring patterns. Ask yourself whether you’d believe your own story if you were a neutral outsider.
If your spouse truly is the villain, prove it. Do the work of proving it. Gather as much relevant objective, independently verifiable evidence as you can obtain. That carries weight. Accusations without corroboration? Weak sauce. Worse, exaggerations and false claims can destroy your case credibility and give the court every reason to doubt you.
If Nobody Else Sees Your Spouse as the Villain, You Might Not Be the Victim/Hero of the Story That You Think You Are.
Take it as an opportunity, not as an insult, to re-evaluate how you’re handling your divorce and how you present yourself. Judges, mediators, and custody evaluators all look for balance, honesty, and self-control. If your spouse truly is the problem, show it through evidence, not stories. And if you’ve played a part in the chaos (as most people do), own it and do better.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277