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Love vs. Law

In Utah, stepparents have no inherent visitation rights during the pendency of divorce proceedings or after the court issues the divorce decree. Unless you qualify under the strict criteria under Utah Code § 81-9-402, your only realistic option is voluntary cooperation with the child’s biological parent.

Many stepparents form deep, genuine bonds with their stepchildren. You’ve lived with them since they were little, and you’ve live with them for years (in some cases, for most of their lives). You’ve attended their school plays and soccer games, stayed up late with them when they were sick, and been there day in and day out for the day-to-day parenting work. Divorce doesn’t erase that, does not erase the connection and the feelings.

Utah Code § 81-9-201 through 81-9-209 governs custody and parent-time. It applies to parents, biological or adoptive, not stepparents.

By contrast, Utah Code § 81-9-403 gives grandparents a statutory path to request visitation in some circumstances. The fact that the legislature spelled out a process for grandparents but not stepparents is deliberate.

But the blunt truth is: under Utah law, once your marriage to the child’s parent is over, you are almost always a legal stranger to that child. While love matters emotionally, custody and visitation rights in Utah are built on law, and the law gives parents, not stepparents, the control.

Why the Law Does Not Help Stepparents Much

Utah law does not give step-parents blanket rights to his or her former spouse’s children after divorcing his or her spouse. Utah Code § 81-9-402provides a means by which non-parents (including stepparents) may petition for custody or visitation if they can prove, by clear and convincing evidence, that they assumed a parental role, formed a strong emotional bond, that cutting off the relationship would harm the child and be in the minor child’s best interest, and the stepparent has contributed financially to the minor child’s wellbeing. Even if a stepparent can satisfy all of those factors, one of the parents must be absent, unfit, or abusive. This is a difficult standard to meet, and this is by design.

Utah law protects a fit parent’s fundamental right to direct a child’s upbringing, so courts won’t override a parent’s decision for a former stepparent without clear, convincing proof of likely harm. It reflects constitutional respect for a fit parent’s choices and ensures court-ordered stepparent rights are the exception, not the rule.

The Practical, Realistic Strategies

Most stepparents who maintain contact with their stepchildren do it outside the courtroom and without an order of the court. Here’s what works and what does not:

Stepparent Do’s & Don’ts

Do

• Lead with respect for the parents’ authority. Make clear you’re asking, not demanding.
• Ask for reasonable, specific contact, e.g., a monthly call, attending school events, or an occasional visit—propose a plan/schedule on a trial basis for 60–90 days. Adjust as circumstances require or warrant.
• Keep communication short, calm, and child-focused; no guilt trips, no relitigating the divorce.
• Build goodwill: be consistently courteous, flexible on times, and quick to accept “not today.”
• If you both agree, write it down (even informally) to avoid misunderstandings.
• Keep the door open for adulthood: maintain updated contact info so the child can reach you after 18.

Don’t

• Don’t threaten court as leverage. As you now know, Utah the legal standard is intentionally hard to meet and usually fails.
• Don’t put the child in the middle (no messages through the child, no “pick a side” questions).
• Don’t bad-mouth the child’s parent or second-guess his/her rules.
• Don’t show up uninvited, contact schools/coaches without permission, or post about the child on social media without consent of the child’s legal parent.
• Don’t try to “buy” access with gifts or money, and never violate existing orders. This is a “be careful what you wish for; you might get it” situation in which you may find yourself paying more and more to maintain that connection.
  • A simple script that might help
    • “I respect your role as [Child]’s parent. If you’re open to it, could we try a once-a-month call and an occasional visit for the next couple of months and see how it goes? If it’s not working, we would adjust or stop.”

When court might be realistic (rare). Only consider litigation if a parent is absent, unfit, or abusive and you can prove—by clear and convincing evidence—that you filled a parental role, formed a strong bond, cutting off contact would likely harm the child, continued contact serves the child’s best interest, and you contributed financially. That bar is high on purpose to protect parental autonomy (see Utah Code § 81-9-402).

Hard Truths and Advice from the Trenches

Utah courts are not in the business of bending rules because you love your stepchildren. The law is designed to protect parents’ rights, not stepparents’ wishes. If you try to wedge yourself into litigation without legal standing, you could even face sanctions under URCP 11 for filing meritless claims. If you want a relationship, the path is usually (not always, but usually) not through court orders, it’s through trust, respect, and cooperation.

Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277