One of the most painful parts of a divorce can be if children seem to pull away from you. It’s a situation many divorced and separated parents face: after a divorce, kids sometimes start acting distant, cold, or even outright hostile toward one parent. It’s a punch to the gut, especially when you know that while you’re not a perfect parent, you’re a good parent who doesn’t deserve the cold shoulder. If this is happening to you, you’re in good company (it happens to many, perhaps even most parents in these situations). And it’s important to understand what might be happening and how to remedy it.
The Emotional and Psychological Impact of Divorce on Children
Divorce takes an emotional toll on children, even when it’s done in the most amicable way possible. Children might feel guilty, thinking they are somehow responsible for the split. They may experience divided loyalties, where they feel torn between both parents, or they might harbor feelings of anger, frustration, fear, and sadness.
These emotions are normal, but they can manifest as behavioral problems or emotional withdrawal. In many cases, the emotional effects of divorce are not immediately visible. Children might not express their feelings directly, but they can start withdrawing or acting out, and their relationships with one or both parents can and often suffer as a consequence.
Understanding the emotional landscape your child is trying to navigate is critical. In many cases, talking openly and frankly with your child can go a long way in helping him/her feel secure. But in some cases, the situation can become more complex, and additional support is needed.
A divorce is a seismic shift for most children. Divorce is not just a change in a child’s family structure it’s a challenge to his/her sense of security. The way children experience and process such a change depends on their age, temperament, and the nature of the conflict between parents, but a strained relationship with one parent or both parent is common.
Young children often (usually) do not understand what’s happening fully. They might feel confusion or anxiety without being able to articulate it, and they may act out or withdraw as a way of coping with it.
Teenagers, on the other hand, might respond with more overt resistance or rebellion. They may test boundaries, push away from both parents, “freak out,” and/or pick sides. This is a normal part of adolescence, but it can be exacerbated by the emotional turmoil of a divorce.
How the Divorce Process Can Affect Your Relationship with Your Children
The way a divorce is handled has a big impact on the children involved. A contentious or drawn-out divorce, especially one where the parents are constantly fighting, can create an atmosphere of distress that children can’t easily manage or escape. In these situations, kids may feel that they must pick sides or reject both parents.
Not surprisingly, the more you can avoid dragging your children into conflict, the better the odds of your relationship with them being in both the short and the long runs.
The Role of Parental Alienation vs. Estrangement
As a parent, you might wonder whether your child is rejecting you due to some failing on your part or due to outside influences. In this regard, it’s important to understand two concepts that are commonly misunderstood: parental alienation and estrangement.
- Parental Alienation occurs when one parent intentionally or unintentionally undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent. Parents engage in alienation to gain control over the child or to “win” the child’s affection. This can involve actions such as disparaging the other parent, making false or exaggerated accusations, and/or subtly planting seeds of doubt about the other parent’s character or motives. Over time, a child may start rejecting the alienated parent, not because of his/her own experiences, but because of the other parent’s alienating actions. Parental alienation is a serious problem and one that is not easy to resolve.
- Estrangement, on the other hand, involves emotional distancing from a parent that isn’t necessarily caused by negative influence from the other parent. Estrangement is often a result of unresolved conflict, lack of emotional connection, or a failure to meet the child’s emotional needs over time. The child might pull away because of his/her own negative feelings, such as anger, hurt, or fear but it doesn’t necessarily involve manipulation by either parent.
It’s essential to recognize the difference between parental alienation and estrangement because knowing the difference helps guide your in an appropriate response. Many in family law suggest therapy/counseling or legal action. And for some (some) parents and children, those options may (may) be highly appropriate. They are, however, not the only or always the best options.
In many cases, however, the most effective way to rebuild the relationship is through patience, understanding, and showing love and forgiveness. Taking a calm, consistent, and compassionate approach is not always easy, but it may be all that’s needed, especially when the child’s emotional needs can be met without additional interventions.
What Can You Do to Repair and Rebuild a Damaged Relationship? Some basic, but no less effective, steps include:
- Open, Honest Communication: Talk to your child in an honest, non-confrontational, non-defensive way. Ensure your child knows that nothing is off limits in the discussion, that you care, and that even though you and his/her other parent are divorcing, that doesn’t mean you’re divorcing the child too.
- Avoid Negative Talk About the Other Parent: Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your children, even when it’s tempting or justified. Children who love both of their parents need to feel that they can maintain a relationship with both parents without feeling torn or guilty. When one parent disparages the other, children may feel they must choose sides, which creates emotional distress and undermines their self-image and their sense of security. Supporting your child’s relationship with both loving, fit parents, regardless of your personal feelings, helps preserve their emotional well-being and autonomy.
- Consider Therapy or Counseling, but Don’t Treat Them as Mandatory or as Easy Fixes: Therapy or counseling can be helpful for both parents and children in healing emotional wounds. This may involve individual counseling or family therapy to address underlying issues.
- While therapy or counseling can be helpful tools in addressing and resolving relationship issues, they should not be seen as quick or easy fixes or guarantees of resolution. Not every divorced parent and child needs therapy or counseling, and it’s not an automatic solution for every situation.
- It’s important to approach therapy with realistic expectations and the understanding that rebuilding a relationship often requires consistent effort beyond just scheduling and attending sessions.
- Don’t feel obligated to engage in therapy or counseling if they are not necessary or warranted.
- Create and Foster Positive Experiences: Rebuilding trust takes time, but shared activities that allow you to connect positively can help. Whether it’s doing something fun or simply spending time together doing nothing special, rebuilding and maintaining those bonds require consistent time and effort.
When to Seek Help from/Through the Court
If your personal efforts to rebuild the relationship aren’t working because of interference from the other parent, it might be time to seek help from the court. Just keep in mind a few things:
- Litigation can backfire. Many parents who resort to the court for relief often find the other parent flip the script and get the aggrieved parent wrongfully labeled as the problem.
- Parental Alienation: If you suspect parental alienation, you can request a custody modification or a guardian ad litem (GAL) to investigate the matter.
- I personally find that GALs rarely do much good, but courts LOVE appointing GALs because it delegates the work the courts would otherwise do to someone else.
- Not all judges and domestic relations commissioners take alienation seriously (and in their defense, there are a lot of false or unsupported parental alienation claims made), and litigation provides no guarantees, so keep that in mind before you seek court intervention.
- Custody Evaluations: You might request a formal custody evaluation.
- As a concept, a custody evaluation sounds like a great idea but is usually just a big waste of time and money on a mediocre, pseudo-scientific, subjective endeavor.
- Custody evaluations rarely identify the problem(s) or effective solutions.
- Bottom line: Unless the problem is more than you can handle effectively through your own efforts, going back to court to seek help is usually not the best idea.
There Are No Easy Ways Out
It’s painful if and when children distance themselves from a good parent after a separation or a divorce. However, with patience, understanding, and the careful use of the right resources in the right measures at the right times, odds are that you and your children can retrieve and retain a loving relationship for the benefit of parents and children alike. It’s worth the effort. Know that.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277