Forgiveness is a deeply personal decision, and in the context of abuse it can be a life-altering one. But understand that “forgiving” your spouse for abusing you or your children is not the same thing as dropping legal protections or reconciling.
In Utah, the law treats abuse with the gravity it deserves, and forgiving in your heart does not erase the legal and practical consequences of that abuse. This post deals only with abuse as defined by Utah law—not with hurt feelings, disagreements, or ordinary marital conflict.
What “Abuse” Means in Utah Law
Under Utah Code, “abuse” includes acts that cause or threaten physical injury, sexual abuse or exploitation, emotional harm of a type recognized in law, and exposure of a child to domestic violence. The statutes draw a sharp line between conduct that meets the legal threshold for abuse and what does not. That distinction matters because courts and agencies such as DCFS are not interested in punishing a spouse for being rude, apathetic, or unkind; they act when the behavior meets statutory criteria.
Forgiveness in Your Heart vs. Forgiveness in the Eyes of the Law
You may feel compelled—for religious, moral, or personal reasons—to forgive your spouse in your heart. That is your right. But what we might call “legal forgiveness” is something entirely different. Dropping a protective order, refusing to testify, or dismissing a divorce action in the name of “forgiveness” can have far-reaching adverse legal consequences.
If you dismiss criminal charges or withdraw from a protective order, a court may later treat you as someone who no longer considers the abuse serious. In custody cases, that can undermine your credibility and your ability to argue that the children remain at risk. A parent’s history of domestic violence is a serious factor in determining custody. Likewise, a parent’s actions in downplaying or excusing abuse can weigh against that parent when assessing the best interests of the child.
Why Forgiving Too Soon Can Be Dangerous
Abuse cases often follow a cycle: incident, remorse, reconciliation, repeat. Forgiving too soon—or without proof of lasting change—exposes you and your children to new harm.
A parent who reconciles quickly after abuse may face skepticism from judges or guardians ad litem as to the veracity of the abuse claims. The question may arise: if you truly believed the abuse was dangerous, why would you allow the children to return so quickly? That question can damage your case, even if you genuinely thought you were doing the right thing.
If a parent dropped his/her protective order three months after her his/her spouse completed anger-management classes, and then six months later, another incident occurred, this could be construed as a “pattern of reconciliation without adequate safeguards” that could result in an award of unsupervised parent-time. Minimizing past domestic violence and resuming cohabitation without protective measures undermines the parent’s claims of ongoing risk.
Balancing Law and Psychology
Reconciliation without demonstrable change is a recipe for all but certain repeated abuse. Forgiveness can be part of personal healing, but it must be coupled with enforceable boundaries for the sake of the victims.
Utah courts as a general policy put safety first, particularly for children. When a child is abused or in danger of being abused, judges and domestic relations commissioners often impose supervised visitation, counseling requirements, and sometimes other conditions before increasing contact between an abusive parent and a child and eventually terminating supervised parent-time. Dropping those safeguards prematurely not only increases risk but may signal to the court that the abuse was overstated or that the danger no longer exists.
If you choose to reconcile or reduce or dismiss protective measures, do it with the needed conditions in writing and court orders intact. You can always modify orders later; you cannot undo harm if you drop protections too soon.
Know How Forgiveness Functions in Legal Disputes When You Contemplate Forgiveness
You can forgive in your heart without abandoning legal protections. In Utah, forgiving an abusive spouse in the legal sense—dropping charges, ending protective orders, or resuming contact without safeguards—can weaken your legal standing and put you and your children in danger.
Before you take any legal steps tied to forgiveness, speak with an experienced family lawyer who understands both the law and the way Utah courts view reconciliation after abuse.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277