By Braxton Mounteer, Legal Assistant
One of the most common accusations we hear in divorce cases today is: “My spouse is a narcissist.”
It’s become the go-to label for bad behavior, poor communication, or even simple incompatibility. Honestly, we can’t wait for the trend to die off.
Here’s why this overuse does more harm than good:
Not everything you believe is true. When emotions run high, and they typically do in divorce, it’s easy to see the past through “woes-colored” glasses. You might start reinterpreting your history together through a new lens:
· “Now that I think about it, he was always selfish.”
· “Looking back, I can see how manipulative she was.”
Maybe that’s accurate. Maybe not. Memory is unreliable, especially under stress or when it works in your favor to see your spouse in a negative light.
You’re not qualified to diagnose anyone (and even if you were, you can’t be your own expert witness). No, watching YouTube videos doesn’t count, you’re not qualified to make that call. And even if you were, who would find you credible when such a diagnosis you make against your spouse is so obviously self-serving? And frankly, many licensed professionals aren’t competent or qualified to diagnose accurately or responsibly.
Maybe you’re the problem or maybe at least part of it. This isn’t victim-blaming (sometimes it is all one spouse’s fault). It’s realism. Relationships are complex, and so are divorces. If things fell apart, it’s likely that both of you played some role. Focusing entirely on your spouse’s alleged pathology while ignoring your own behavior isn’t going to help you in court or in life.
A personality disorder diagnosis won’t win your case. Even if your spouse really is a narcissist, by clinical standards, it won’t make a legal difference if he/she hasn’t broken the law, endangered your children, or done something provably egregious. Branding him/her a narcissist (or anything else) without proof of wrongdoing is just background noise.
Disagreement is not abuse. Not getting along with your spouse doesn’t automatically make you the victim and your spouse the villain. People argue. People fight. Sometimes they defend themselves, sometimes they play hardball in negotiations. That doesn’t mean they’re abusive, pathological, or toxic. The “victim narrative” is losing steam. Courts are increasingly skeptical of parties who rely on vague emotional labels instead of concrete facts.
Stop trying to win your divorce by taking cheap, easy pot shots at your spouse. Focus on the substance, on the facts that matter, like parental fitness, financial conduct, cooperation (or lack thereof), and the provable impact of your spouse’s behavior. You’ll be taken more seriously and credibly when you stick to what you can prove.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277