Do you mean to ask, How do deserving fathers fight:
- for sole child custody?
- for joint child custody?
- for equal child custody?
Or do you mean to ask: “How do fathers ‘win’ their desired child custody award whether these fathers deserve it or not?”
If you mean to ask the second question, I’ll acknowledge that you can find the playbook, but I won’t tell you how to cheat your way to victory.
If you’re a deserving father (“deserving” meaning that you are a fit and loving father who Is not only capable of exercising the custody award you seek, but the best interest of the children favor the custody award you seek), I have some advice for you.
If you are a father deserving of sole physical custody of your children, that usually means the children’s mother is, at the very least, unable or ill-suited to provide the bulk of the children’s needed supervision and care. Anything worse than that only makes it easier for you to make your argument for being awarded sole physical custody.
If you are a father deserving of joint physical custody, first you need to understand the difference between joint custody and equal custody.
Different jurisdictions define these terms differently, but generally speaking, joint custody means that each parent has more time with the kids than the minimal schedule that the non-custodial parent would have with the children. So if a “non-custodial parent” is defined as the one that sees the kids every other weekend, maybe one day a week for two or three hours, and on alternating holidays and for a few weeks in the summer, a joint physical custodial parent would be one who has more than minimal time, but less than equal time with the children in his care and custody.
So, if you are a father deserving of joint physical custody of your children, that means that there is something about you or your schedule or perhaps something about the children too that warrants or even necessitates that the children spend less than equal time with you, but more than minimal time with you.
Thus, you can probably guess what kind of father you have to be to obtain equal physical custody: you have to show that you are just as good a parent as the mother, that you have a schedule conducive to the exercise of equal custody, and that the children we’ll benefit from an equal custody arrangement better than they would under a joint or sole custody arrangement.
Most fathers, after asking around among fathers who are already divorced or separated from their children’s mothers, and after consulting with an attorney or three, soon learn that obtaining a sole physical custody award is nigh unto impossible, if all the father is is a good and decent parent. Fathers who are awarded sole physical custody almost always receive sole custody because the children’s mother is indisputably unfit as a parent. Sure, there are the occasional oddball stories of a mother who works 60 hour weeks outside the home and the father is the stay at home parent, but for most real life situations, a father has to prove six ways from Sunday that the mother just can’t hack sole or even joint custody without that coming at the expense of the children’s short term and long term welfare.
As little as a generation ago, and before then, it was unthinkable to award joint custody (to say nothing of equal custody). There was this belief that it just could not be done. It was impracticable. It was too hard on the children. While one can easily imagine a dysfunctional joint custody arrangement, very few judges were willing to give feasible proposals even a losing chance. Those judges either could not believe joint custody could possibly work or they imagined that the worst case scenario was the most likely scenario if joint custody were to be awarded.
Things have changed drastically in this generation. Not only is joint custody a reasonable possibility, it is becoming likely, becoming the presumptive child custody award. In Utah, where I practice divorce and family law, a parent awarded anything more than 111 overnights and less than 182 overnights with the children qualifies as a joint physical custody award.
Finally, an equal custody award requires a father to show that essentially he’s just as good a parent and caregiver as the mother is. You may ask why the mother doesn’t have to prove that she’s fit and capable, and that’s because most courts simply assume that all mothers are fit and capable caregivers.
Even if you could prove that mom is a substance abuser, child abuser, debilitatingly mentally ill, or dangerously self-absorbed, that’s often not enough to reduce a mother to the status of non-custodial parent. She has to be so grossly and undeniably unfit as a parent that the court simply cannot justify a sole or joint physical custody award to the mother without looking incompetent.
The easiest way for fathers to show that they are just as good a caregiver as the mother is to document the fact that they do all the things that a mother can do,[1] if not better, then at least just as well. Yes, it’s a myopic and simplistic criterion, but it’s what most courts apply. So if you want to ensure that your children get to spend as much time as possible with each of their parents because you believe that’s what’s best for your kids, make sure that you gather proof (not merely evidence, but objective and undeniable proof) that you:
- prepare meals for the children, and regularly
- make and attend the children’s healthcare appointments, and regularly
- administer medication to the children as prescribed, and regularly
- clean the house and do laundry, and regularly
- help the children with their homework, and regularly
- attend parent teacher conferences and all other school activities, and regularly
- participate in bedtime routines from baths to reading a bedtime story and saying prayers with them, and regularly
- engaging in fun, educational, and healthful activities with the children in your spare time, and regularly
Now virtually no parent on earth does all of these things, but if you don’t (and don’t prove it beyond all doubt), then the court can seize on this “defect” of yours as a basis for denying you an equal custody award. Although it’s difficult, it’s much easier to be a Super Dad than it is to convince the court that being an adequate or even above-average dad is enough.
The next criterion you must meet is that you live within walking distance (or an extremely short driving distance) of the mother’s house, so that the children can, regardless of with which parent they may be living with at the time, attend the same school, attend the same church, associate with the same friends, engage in the same activities, and do all of this without the custody schedule disrupting any of it. This is a worthwhile goal. It also makes it much, much harder for a judge to deny you an equal custody award. Indeed, in my opinion, without it, most dads probably can’t get an equal custody award.
Finally, you’ll need to show that you have a mutually strong and loving bond with your children. Conversely, this often requires you to prove, but not the mother to prove, that if the children spend less than equal time with you, they will suffer some kind of unnecessary detriment. Fortunately, the detriment doesn’t have to be serious, just identifiable. It drives me crazy when a court will say that fathers and children spending less than equal custody time together is not only justifiable but in some cases laudable “because it’s not the quantity but the quality of time spent together.” So make sure you can show that anything less than equal custody we’ll do the children a disservice.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
https://www.quora.com/How-do-fathers-fight-for-child-custody/answer/Eric-Johnson-311
[1] It’s ironic that men have to show that they can competently perform all “woman’s work” when women have been striving for so long to reject that stereotype, but when it comes to child custody, the maternal ideal is still that of the 1950s housewife. And while women will reject it in virtually every other setting, when it comes to the child custody battle, many women are more than happy to slip “proudly and humbly” right into that role and claim that they and only they can fill it.
