Co-parenting successfully in an equal (50/50) legal and physical custody arrangement requires more than just dividing time. It calls for each parent fostering 1) a strong bond between the child and the other parent; and 2) supporting a child’s healthy emotional security and development.
Because children at different developmental stages process and respond to shared custody in distinct ways, knowing these differences helps parents meet children’s needs better as their children age. This guide provides both age-appropriate strategies and universal principles that help children feel equally loved and emotionally secure in both homes.
Infants and Toddlers (0–3 Years Old)
Core Needs: Attachment, Routine, and Familiarity
Young children live in the moment. They cannot understand time or absence well, yet they deeply feel changes in routine and caregiver presence. So:
Synchronize Daily Routines. Keep feeding, napping, and bedtime consistent across both homes. Predictability fosters a realistic sense of safety.
Share Comfort Items. Let transitional objects (blankets, pacifiers, stuffed animals) move freely between homes.
Use Short, Frequent Video Chats. Brief face-to-face contact with the other parent can reinforce attachment and memory.
Minimize Long Absences. Frequent exchanges (if practical) help reduce separation distress and support bonding with both parents.
Gentle Transitions. Stay calm, brief, and warm at handoffs. Your emotional tone sets the stage for your child’s adjustment. Children notice this (for good or ill), whether they manifest any outward indications.
Preschoolers (3–5 Years Old)
Core Needs: Emotional Reassurance, Predictability, and Simple Explanations
Children of preschool age become more verbal and aware of relationships but still need structure and validation. Accordingly:
Keep Exchanges Positive and Peaceful. Children this age are sensitive to tone and body language. Avoid tension during pickups and drop-offs.
Maintain Both Homes as Welcoming Spaces. Let them have clothes, toys, and favorites in each home—no “suitcase” living.
Use Visual Calendars. Picture-based schedules help children understand time and custody transitions.
Maintain Similar Rules and Routines. Alignment around meal time, bedtime, and discipline helps prevent confusion and anxiety.
Praise (Honestly) the Other Parent. Simple affirming phrases like “Daddy makes the best pancakes” or “Mommy loves hearing your stories” support emotional wholeness.
Elementary Age Children (6–12 Years Old)
Core Needs: Emotional Validation, Structure, and Greater Autonomy
School-age kids are developing more independence and more complex emotions. They may struggle with guilt, divided loyalties, or comparing households. Effective strategies:
Encourage Communication Across Households. Let your children call or text the other parent as needed, not just on a set or unduly restrictive schedule.
Align on Major Rules. Having similar expectations for your children around homework, chores, and screen time create consistency.
Have Duplicate Essentials. Keep basic clothing, toiletries, and school items in both homes to reduce stress and reinforce belonging.
Validate Their Feelings. Let them talk freely about each home without judgment, comparison, competition, or challenging the children’s feelings and opinions.
Use a Shared Family Calendar. A shared and visible schedule keeps the children more informed of their own schedule; that helps them better anticipate and plan for future activities and events. And that helps them manage their own schedules better.
Teenagers (13–18 Years Old)
Core Needs: Autonomy, Respect, and Emotional Support
Teens are asserting independence and managing school, jobs, and social lives. They understand custody logistics and usually start finding the custody-sharing schedule to be an inconvenience and an intrusion into their increasingly busy lives and growing independence. How to respond?:
Offer Scheduling Flexibility. Don’t completely abandon structure and consistency but be increasingly accommodating of what your children’s social lives and employment will warrant and even demand. Don’t punish them emotionally for wanting time with friends—even if it cuts into your time.
Be Present, Not Overbearing. Show genuine interest in their life without micromanaging.
Stay Involved in and Support Big Decisions. Collaborate with your co-parent on matters of teaching your child to drive, on dating, and planning for adult life.
Respect Their Space. Give them privacy and greater autonomy in both homes.
Universal Strategies for All Ages
These practices support children of any age and reinforce a balanced, loving experience between both homes:
Focus on Quality Over Quantity. Be emotionally present and fully engaged during your time with the child. A heartfelt talk or shared meal often means more than big outings or material gifts.
Celebrate Both Parents. Don’t punish or resent your children for loving both of their parents.
Keep Kids Out of Conflict. Keep disagreements between parents between the parents. Maintain a unified front on key issues. Avoid language or behavior that entices the children to choose one parent over another.
Honor Unique Relationships. Don’t try to be the “better” parent. Instead, celebrate your own style while respecting what your co-parent brings to the relationship. Be grateful that the demands and responsibilities of parenting are spread between two loving, fit parents.
Shared Milestones When Appropriate. Birthdays, graduations, or school events can sometimes be shared without conflict. When possible, show your child that big moments don’t need to be divided.
How You Know It’s Working
Children who feel equally loved and secure in a 50/50 arrangement typically:
- transition between homes with relative ease;
- speak openly and confidently about each parent and to each parent;
- maintain affectionate, natural relationships with both;
- exhibit similar behavior in both homes; and
- don’t really notice (because they have no reason to notice) that they’re following an equal custody schedule—because it’s working so well for parents and children alike.
Meeting your child where they are developmentally—and consistently showing them they are loved and that their needs are being met—will do more than any schedule or court order to ensure their well-being.
The goal in any shared custody arrangement should be for the children to benefit more from equal custody than from an unequal custody schedule. Equal custody cannot only succeed but can succeed better than sole or even joint custody when “the best parent” is both parents.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277