Children’s perspectives on shared custody arrangements (equal physical custody being one such arrangement) are complex and nuanced, seeing both benefits and challenges to them. Here is what children typically report about their experiences with equal physical custody arrangements:
What Children Typically Like
- Spending Time with Both Parents/Maintaining strong relationships with both parents. Many children value having meaningful time with each parent rather than having less connection (and potentially losing connection) with a noncustodial parent.
- Avoiding Alienation. When parents are cooperative, children enjoy feeling equally valued by both parents, without being forced to choose one over the other or feeling alienated from either parent.
- Stability and predictability if and when schedules are consistent, and transitions are well-managed.
- Feeling “at home” in both residences when they have personal spaces and belongings in each home.
- Reduced exposure to parental conflict compared to arrangements where parents must interact more frequently.
- Less Guilt/Feeling that the arrangement is “fair” – many children are sensitive to equity between parents. Children may feel less guilt about not seeing one parent for extended periods because they know both parents are equally involved in their lives.
What Children Typically Dislike
- Frequent transitions and the logistical challenges of living in two homes. One of the most common complaints from children in 50/50 custody arrangements is the disruption caused by frequent transitions between households. This can be exhausting and stressful, especially if the changeovers are poorly managed, if there’s a lack of consistency in routines between the two homes, or if parents do not live in close proximity to each other.
- Lack of Stability. While some children like the routine, others find it hard to adjust to the back-and-forth movement. This may lead to feelings of instability, especially if parents live far apart or the homes are very different in terms of rules and expectations.
- “Living out of a backpack” – constantly packing, forgetting things, and not having consistent access to belongings.
- Reduced Time with Friends or Extracurricular Activities/ Loss of community connections. When moving between homes means less time with friends or activities in either neighborhood, a 50/50 schedule may limit a child’s ability to participate in extracurricular activities or spend time with friends due to the time spent transitioning between households in different neighborhoods. The back-and-forth nature of the schedule can interfere with school events, playdates, and hobbies that require consistency.
- Schedule rigidity that doesn’t accommodate the children’s evolving social lives and activities as they grow older.
- Difficulty in Emotional Adjustment: For younger children or children who are still adjusting to the divorce, the 50/50 schedule may feel overwhelming and create anxiety. These children might struggle with the constant change and may prefer more stability or longer periods of time with one parent.
What Children Often Want That Parents Miss
- Flexibility that prioritizes their needs – allowing schedule adjustments for important events, friendships, or activities rather than rigid adherence to custody agreements.
- Voice in decision-making about the schedule, especially as they get older. Many children want input on the arrangement but don’t want the burden of choosing between parents.
- Coordination between households – consistent rules, expectations, and routines reduce the cognitive load of switching environments.
- Freedom from parental conflict – children want parents to handle disagreements directly without putting them in the middle.
- Acknowledging the challenges they face with transitions rather than minimizing them. Children want recognition that the arrangement, while beneficial, still requires significant adaptation from them.
- Support for their entire life, not just the portion in each home. Children benefit when parents attend their events regardless of whose “day” it is.
Children’s satisfaction with custody arrangements is less about the specific schedule and more about the quality of relationships, parental cooperation, and how well the arrangement accommodates their evolving needs.
Children subject to equal physical custody schedules (often referred to as 50/50 parenting time) can experience both positive and negative feelings about the arrangement, depending on several factors such as the quality of the relationship with both parents, the level of conflict between the parents, and their age and developmental stage. Here are some key insights into what children might like, dislike, and want from such a schedule:
What Children Want From a 50/50 Custody Schedule That Parents Often Fail to Provide:
- Less Conflict Between Parents: Children in 50/50 custody arrangements often wish their parents would cooperate better and avoid conflict during transitions. Parents who argue or are uncooperative can make the schedule stressful and painful for the child. Children may feel that they cannot freely express their own preferences or may feel uncomfortable when parents push them to take sides.
- Consistency Across Homes: Children desire consistency between the two homes, particularly in terms of rules, routines, and discipline. When there is a large disparity between the two homes, it can lead to confusion and resentment.
- More Predictability and Control: Children want more predictability in the schedule. They often want to know in advance when they will see each parent, and they want more involvement in decision-making, especially as they grow older.
- Emotional Support During Transitions: Children want their parents to provide emotional support as they move between homes. This may include reassurance, strategies to cope with transitions, or time to settle in and adjust before being expected to comply with new routines and rules.
- Flexibility in the Schedule: While structure is important, children also want flexibility in how the schedule is applied, particularly in response to their needs as they mature. This may include changing the schedule to accommodate important events like family vacations, school functions, or other commitments.
Children subject to 50/50 custody arrangements experience a range of emotions based on how well the arrangement is implemented and how well their parents cooperate. While they generally appreciate spending time with both parents, frequent transitions, the emotional toll of divided loyalty, and inconsistent rules or conflict between parents can make the arrangement less appealing. To improve the experience, parents should strive for consistency, communication, and minimal conflict, while remaining open to adjusting the schedule to meet the child’s needs as they grow.
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