Warning: my answer is blunt, and it is directed primarily at women/mothers who make (or contemplate making) false claims, but even if you are not making or contemplating making a false claim of “my husband is a narcissist who is isolating/alienating our child from me,” my answer will provide you with some insights you will want to gain.
First, understand the concept of the burden of proof. Let’s use this scenario to clear the air:
- You claim that your child gets sick after dining at a restaurant (maybe he did, maybe he didn’t; at this point, it does not matter).
- You decide to blame and to sue the restaurant for making your child sick.
- Can you prove your son is actually sick? If not, you have no case.
- Can you prove the restaurant caused your son to be sick? A court cannot find the restaurant to be at fault and liable without a preponderance of the evidence supporting your claim.
- Did anyone else who ate at the restaurant on or around the same time get sick too? If not, why do you blame the restaurant (it could be liable, but it tends to undermine your claim if no one else got sick at the restaurant too)? Your son may have caught a stomach bug earlier that week from some other source.
- What corroborating evidence do you have that somehow the restaurant is responsible?
- You can’t just go to court and say, “Your Honor, my son got sick after we ate at the restaurant, so the restaurant must be responsible” or “Your Honor, my son got sick after we ate at the restaurant, so the restaurant needs to prove it is not responsible.”
Do you see how this applies to claims that a father is a narcissistic alienator?
“Narcissist” is not a magic word in child custody disputes. Please do not act as though you don’t know what I mean. Making accusations is easy. Backing them up with proof is where the rubber meets the road.
Simply claiming “my narcissistic husband is isolating our child during a divorce” does not magically shift the burden of proving your claim from you to burdening your husband with having to disprove your claim.
Second, what do you mean by “Dad is isolating our child”? Is the child simply misbehaving (i.e., Dad has nothing to do with it)? If the child is suffering emotionally or psychologically, is the child having trouble at school and bringing those troubles home with him/her? Can you connect the concerning behavior to Dad? Merely citing bad or worrisome behavior in a child does not allow you leapfrog from a child’s troubles to “Dad’s a narcissistic alienator”.
If your husband is psychologically and emotionally manipulating the child such that the child has become estranged from or even hostile toward you, it is your burden to prove that.
Third, if your child has become estranged from or even hostile toward you because of your psychological, emotional, or other kinds of abuse or neglect of the child, that would obviously be on you—and many parents who abuse their children will shamelessly play that “it’s not me, it’s the other parent card” in child custody disputes. Even honest, true “my husband is an alienating narcissist” claims can backfire.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277