Divorce is hard enough on spouses, but perhaps the most painful impact is on their children. The last thing you should do is create confusion, fear, and emotional scars in your children. Many parents, however, put their kids through hell in the course of the divorce process and their divorce cases.
The way you tell your kids about your divorce can have a long-lasting effect on their well-being. No matter how contentious the divorce is between you and your spouse, spare your children from becoming collateral damage.
Even if your divorce is full of animosity between you and your spouse, then unless one of you is a child abuser, you both owe it to your kids to break the news about divorce peacefully and as a united front. Your children will experience more than enough uncertainty and anxiety without adding an acrimonious divorce to the mix.
When you both sit down together, even briefly, to talk to your kids, it shows them that despite the end of your marriage, their well-being matters to you and transcends the differences between the parents. It offers stability and reassurance that, though things are changing, they aren’t losing their loving, supportive parents in the process. Show your children that you are both committed to them through the transition.
The Right Timing and Communication Strategy
When my parents were getting divorced, my father told me during a car ride on our way back home from my grandparent’s home. It wasn’t the right time or place. The timing and setting matter more than you might think. Don’t break the news in the heat of an argument, after a stressful event, or when your kids are already upset about something else. Don’t blindside them.
The most important rule is this: no bad-mouthing the other parent. It’s natural to want to vent your frustrations, but your children should never be exposed to the ugliness of the divorce. Keeping your kids out of your disputes is paramount, even if it feels cathartic to express your anger.
Show your children you respect them by respecting their other parent. Schedule a time that works for everyone—perhaps a quiet evening at home. Make it clear in advance that it’s a serious conversation, so they can prepare themselves, and set the stage for an environment where you can deliver bad news.
Before you and your spouse sit down with your children, it’s essential to agree on what you will say and how you will say it. In a highly contentious divorce, it’s easy for emotions to run high, and saying the wrong thing can further damage your relationship with your children or cause them to feel confused. Don’t be afraid to create a script or at least bullet points to ensure you stay on point about what you want and need to communicate. Keep things as simple as possible. Children don’t need all the nitty-gritty details—focus on the fact that both parents will always love them and that the divorce doesn’t change that. Provide reassurance.
The Hard Part: A Divorce in a High-Conflict Situation
Children are most vulnerable to harm in high-conflict divorces. If yours is a high-conflict divorce situation, find someone—perhaps a therapist, family member, church leader, or trusted friend—to confide in. Work through the anger, fear, and sadness away from the children. Your children shouldn’t have to carry the burden of your frustrations. This is not to say that you cannot be honest with your children about what you’re experiencing and feeling, but you can’t be a burden—or worse, a danger—to your kids at a time like this.
A Unified, Written Agreement: The Best Defense
If possible, put your agreement in writing. This doesn’t have to be a formal contract, but a clear understanding of what will and won’t be said and done. If one parent crosses a boundary or undermines the other’s authority, there should be consequences. If your divorce is contentious, this written agreement will help the parents hold each other accountable.
Having a written agreement in place helps prevent confusion and manipulation. Your kids will appreciate the benefits of this certainty and clarity in an otherwise tumultuous time. And, even if the divorce is tough, they’ll know that both parents are on the same page when it comes to the children’s well-being.
Final Thoughts
The way you approach telling your children about divorce sets the tone for how they will handle life during the divorce and post-decree. It cannot be overstated what an impact this can have on your children; you cannot afford to botch this. You don’t want to live with the lifelong regret of making a mess of this.
Remember the proverb “the axe forgets, but the tree remembers”. You may, in time, grow fuzzy on the details of how you broke the news of your divorce to your children, but I can promise you that your children will never forget.
It’s important to show your children that even though the family structure is changing, your love and commitment to them will not waver. By taking the time with your spouse to plan the conversation and present a unified, consistent message, you can help cushion the emotional blow of divorce for both you and your children. Your kids deserve your best efforts at understanding and compassion during this difficult time.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277