I get calls about this frequently from former and from brand new clients: it may have been half a year or more since the child custody case was resolved, either by a settlement or by trial. Just when it appears that the dust has settled, and that the fighting over the child custody award or parent time award has ended, and your ex has accepted his or her fate in that regard, just at the point when you start to believe you can breathe easy again, that’s when you get the e-mail or text message, the phone call or the remark made in passing: this isn’t over.
What?
Your ex tells you that he or she will not accept the current arrangement. Usually, your ex won’t tell you why, but we’ll say that he or she has been preparing for months, lying in wait for the perfect opportunity to strike, and that that time has arrived.
Sometimes, your ex will tell you the reasons why (they don’t have to be true, but your ex may tell you a story that he or she claims forms the basis of his or her claim that will necessitate or warrant a modification), but most of the time your ex will be rather cryptic about it.
If you haven’t been complying with court orders pertaining to and affecting the children, you may have reason to worry. But most of the time, people come to me telling me they are fully complying with court orders and do so in good faith. They’re surprised and upset that anyone would claim they’re doing anything that would be reason to modify custody or parent-time. And that may be true. But that doesn’t stop a devious or vengeful ex telling lies. And consider this: it may not be you who has done anything or failed to do something. It could be that your ex’s circumstances have changed (such as an intention of relocating so far away that the current custody and parent time schedule can’t accommodate the distance), and thus he or she is planning to exploit those changes to seek a modification of custody or parent-time .
Two things you need to do immediately, as soon as you are told or get the impression that your ex is mounting a campaign or will soon be mounting a campaign to modify custody or parent-time, if you know there is no legitimate basis for a change:
1) Get your house in order, if it isn’t already. Even if you believe that you are faultless and blameless. Assess your situation. Review the court order. All of it. Not just the parts that affect children and child support. Make sure you are in full compliance, so that your ex cannot claim a change is necessitated by your lack of compliance with court orders or statutes that may affect you and/or your children. Make sure that you can show that you’ve done nothing to justify a modification, and that if your ex is trying to exploit changes in his/her own circumstances, that it would be unfair to you—who has faithfully complied with the court orders and who has done all you can to establish and maintain a strong and loving bond with your children—modify the custody or parent-time orders at your expense and/or to your and the children’s detriment.
2) Secretly audio and video record the parent-time exchanges (so that your ex does not know you’re recording–it’s perfectly legal in Utah, As long as the exchanges occur in public), so that if your ex tries to say that you’re behaving badly during exchanges, you can prove your ex is lying, and so that if your ex tries to say that your children are miserable/scared/abused, etc. at exchanges, you can prove your ex is lying. Many people don’t understand why I advise secret recording. You do it in secret because you want to capture and record your ex acting normally and candidly, so that you can show how your ex is behaving, if your ex is antagonizing you or disparaging you or doing anything to adversely affect custody or parent time or your overall relationship with your children.
3) Start acting defensively in your communications with your ex. That does not mean you should be defiant or insulting, it simply means that you want to ensure you’re Keeping a record. Any agreements that you and your ex reach need to be memorialized in writing. That doesn’t mean you have to have a signed contract. It just means that if you and your ex agree that you’re going to pick up or drop off the kids later than normal, if you have agreed to alter the custody or parent-time schedule for a particular occasion, make sure that was communicated in writing to your ex in advance of the change.
4) Keep your ex apprised of what’s going on in the children’s lives. Make sure that he or she cannot accuse you of concealing information or trying to prevent your ex from knowing about or attending your children’s activities (and activities includes, especially, but not exclusively, child healthcare appointments and parent teacher conferences—devious exes are always trying to score cheap gotcha points by claiming the other parent does not care about the children’s health or education because he or she does not attend health care appointments and parent teacher conferences).
This is good advice for someone who has been caught by surprise, and it’s even better advice if your ex hasn’t dropped the bomb on you yet. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Start today. Today. Not later. Today.
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277