We are not meant to be alone. We are meant to be married and to have a family. This is why losing/ending a marriage (and breaking up a family, if you have children) does damage, both emotional/psychological and financial. There is no way around that. But we are not meant to be miserable or abused in a marriage and family either. Marriages that do more harm than good and that cannot be repaired/healed are marriages that need to end.
The amputation will leave scars and will have lasting consequences. That is inescapable. The question is not, however, “How can I avoid the pain?” but “Is this a pain I must suffer before things can get any better?” If the answer to that question is “yes,” I hope that is a step toward finding the needed courage.
If you truly know that you need to divorce, then finding the courage to divorce that you don’t have now may lie in examining the potential harm you would suffer and then determining 1) what you can do to mitigate—mitigate, not eliminate—the damage; and 2) whether the harm divorce causes you will nevertheless grant you a new opportunity to seek the safety, peace, love, and happiness the dysfunctional marriage is depriving you of currently.
For example, if you fear that divorce would leave you financially destitute, one way to find the courage to overcome that fear is to figure out in advance how you may be able to solve that problem. If you worry that divorce will leave you financially destitute, then can you get a job? If not, can you get education/training you need to get a job that will enable you to adequately support yourself financially? Perhaps that option does not realistically exist for you. You may find that “the courage to divorce” may solve one problem (ending a toxic/violent marriage) only to cause new ones (decreased standard of living, loneliness).
If you worry that divorce will leave you lonely, then can you solve that problem by moving closer to your family or friends you may have moved away from as a result of being married to your spouse? Can you join a church for the purpose of finding fellowship with other people? Can you join a bowling league or a club to help you start making new connections? Can you volunteer to work with children or elderly people in need?
Regardless, you still need to bear in mind that your spouse may file for a divorce himself, in which case you will have to face the fear of becoming financially destitute and lonely anyway. Face your fears. You are not the first to confront the prospect of divorce. Take comfort in that. This has helped me face fear. There’s more to it than first meets the eye:
“How do I get rid of the fear?” Alas, this is the wrong question. The only way to get rid of the fear is to stop doing things that might not work, to stop putting yourself out there, to stop doing work that matters. No, the right question is, “How do I dance with the fear?” Fear is not the enemy. Paralysis is the enemy. —Seth Godin
Utah Family Law, LC | divorceutah.com | 801-466-9277
